Here we go: Prepare for some brutal honesty. Some days I feel ripped off. The last couple of days I’ve spent stuck in bed, unable to do anything more than stream TV shows while wanting to simply make a good meal for myself, and/or be able to type, speak or understand more than a handful of words at a time. I feel like I’m worth more than this. Like I should be able to do more valuable things on my worse days. Like the nauseating pain sensations are nothing more than trickery, but I’m yet to see behind the facade of it all to find the off switch for my nerves.
Some days I’m not positive or grateful. I feel like I got a lazy diagnosis and have been pushed through this public health system that I continually remind myself that we are lucky to have, but somehow it’s cheated me. Somehow I’ve been talking to the right people, the right departments, but I’ve not been heard.
Why does it still hurt? Why won’t it stop? Why don’t ‘they’ understand? It’s like my own body has been built as a torture chamber for my consciousness.
It’s gotten to a point where I’ve begun to seriously consider going back on medication that caused me significant memory loss, tremors, headaches, limbs sporadically collapsing, and was left being unable to feel any sensation whatsoever(but at least the pain was reduced, right?). It’s not exactly my first choice. More accurately, it’s my last. And I’m terrified of the thought of surrendering my body to those particular chemicals again. But what terrifies me more, is if I don’t. It leaves me with few other options. My goal over the last six months has primarily been to eventually, gradually come off all medication and develop other coping mechanisms within my life to remain functional and get by. For a small period of time, that’s worked for me. I persevered and I miraculously came off my opiate medication and have been getting by on a very careful diet and specially prescribed anti inflammatories. But the last few weeks have been grueling. I couldn’t have survived without my wonderful partner’s assistance and support, both physically and emotionally. The toll is too great for me.
Today, I admit defeat. Tomorrow, I must review my other options. Today is not a good day. It is filled with sadness, frustration, and exhaustion. Today, I want to rip my fucking nerves right out of my body.
*The best visual depiction of how my body feels is in the first 60 seconds:
WARNING: Graphic violence. Do not watch if you have a weak stomach.